Many couples see marriage counselling as an admission that something is very wrong in their relationship. Regardless of whether this is true or not, this has created some stigma around what exactly marriage counselling is and how it works.
No couple wants to readily admit that things may not be going exactly as they hoped they would. In fact, avoidant behaviours, denial, or taking the “ignorance is bliss” approach are not uncommon ways in which many couples choose to approach problems or concerns pertaining to their marriage.
The reality is, though, that failing to address, resolve, and recover from issues in a marriage relationship tends to only add to existing problems and can ultimately make things worse. In a previous post, we’ve explored is couples therapy worth it.
What many couples fail to realize is that by addressing marital issues as they arise, they’re not only able to often neutralize something small before it has a chance to grow into something much bigger, but also this process helps pave the way in preserving relationships for the long term.
How do you know if you need marriage counselling?
This may sound strange to some but the reality is nearly every couple could benefit from marriage counselling. You don’t have to wait until there’s an existential crisis in your marriage to seek out couples therapy.
Just in the same way, you would take care of your body by eating healthy, participating in regular exercise, and looking after your emotional health to prevent disease and encourage longevity, so too does regular care and maintenance of your marriage foster a healthier, happier, and longstanding relationship.
And a great way to do this is by discussing and resolving tiny problems before they have time to grow into much more ferocious and unyielding issues.
But if you’re looking for many of the classic telltale signs that would generally indicate it might be beneficial to seek out couples therapy, these are some of the most common.
6 Signs It Might Be Time to Get Marriage Counselling
1. Trust has been damaged
Healthy relationships depend on trust to thrive and grow. The bonds of trust play a formative role in a budding relationship and over time, especially well into marriage, nurturing these bonds of trust is essential for a lasting union.
When trust has been broken—whether through infidelity, an emotional affair, frequent lying or dishonest behaviour—this damages one of the very core elements of a healthy and happy relationship. Without addressing broken trust and working towards reconciliation, the seeds of mistrust will grow and fester into a very damaging and toxic element.
2. Frequent arguing, disagreements, or fighting
If the normal has evolved from shared moments of peaceful bliss to regular confrontations, this is often an indicator that something is bothering one or both partners. Excessive conflicts in this way only work to gradually wear a relationship down until both partners feel exhausted, dismayed, and unloved.
Understanding the roots of disagreements and why you and your partner are somehow always seeming to clash, can be the first steps towards reducing conflict and instead, working towards peace, stability, and connectedness.
3. Avoidance or non-engagement
If you’re intentionally going out of your way to avoid your partner or not interact with them in ways you’re concerned may upset the delicate balance of things, then this type of avoidance or “walking on eggshells” is typically a sign there are things unsaid that could perhaps benefit from the discussion.
A healthy couple should maintain the ability to speak openly and freely without the risk of backlash or anger. To hear and be heard is essential to any relationship. Staying at work late, spending less time at home, or regularly giving your partner the “cold shoulder” are just a few common examples of what this might look like.
4. An ongoing sense that something is wrong
“Gut feelings” are hard to measure scientifically but the reality is after you’ve been married for some time, most couples would say they tend to know their partner better than most. As such, it shouldn’t be far-fetched to think that when our intuition is telling us something may be off, it may be right.
Spending every day of your life (more or less) with your partner will give you a good sense of things. When you begin to notice subtleties or nuances that seem out of the ordinary but are becoming more persistent, it’s only natural to have a few alarm bells ring that something might be amiss.
The best place to start here is to try and talk with your partner about how you’ve been feeling. How that conversation goes will likely provide some good insight as to whether there might be something to your intuition or not.
5. You don’t feel connected emotionally
Emotional connection and intimacy are fundamental to a successful marriage. In fact, few couples would choose to get married without any sense of emotional connection or value for emotional intimacy.
So when you fast forward down the line and realize that once very prominent and accessible emotional intimacy you once shared now feels harder and harder to sync up with, this could be an indicator that something is blocking that connection. Removing that blockage will be paramount in returning your marriage to the vibrant hum of connectivity you both fell in love with in the first place.
6. Physical intimacy is suffering
The ability to be physically intimate with your partner is central to most marriages and sexual intimacy can be both a symptom and a source of marital problems.
Some common indicators that there may be underlying issues include things like going from frequent sexual activity to virtually zero activity, going from regular satisfaction to finding none at all, having an interest in sexual activity only be expressed by one partner or continually rejected by the other, or sex being used as a bargaining chip or as a weapon.
Is marriage counselling worth it?
At the end of the day, only you will be able to answer the question of whether marriage counselling is worth pursuing. If you’re expecting it to be easy and effortless, then it may be time to talk expectation management because the reality is, marriage is hard, relationships are hard, and it takes time, energy, effort, and intention to work through difficult problems.
But don’t forget that despite the work it requires, the rewards and benefits reaped from marriage counselling can certainly be worth their weight in gold. Couples therapy can help strengthen your marriage in a wide range of ways.
It can help you:
Resolve issues before they have a chance to do serious damage
Improve communication by allowing both partners to hear one another and be heard
Help facilitate a healthy outlet for brewing frustrations
Provide opportunities for reconciliation
Allows an objective third-party with your best interest in mind to help provide perspective and insight that may otherwise be difficult to see
Gives couples tools, techniques, and strategies to navigate challenging situations in the absence of a counsellor
Helps unite couples by bringing them together with the goal of creating a lasting marriage
And much more
That second last point is really important. When you ask the question of whether or not marriage counselling is worth it, try asking these questions instead:
Is your marriage worth fighting for? Is it important to you? Do you love your partner and want to see your marriage succeed?
If you answered ‘yes’ to any of those, then most certainly, marriage counselling is worth it. It will take both partners working together to make it a success. So long as you both are willing, there can always be a future together. Get in touch with one of our relationship counsellors today!