Everyone feels stress now and again. The unease of starting a new job, the stress of moving cities, or having a difficult conversation with a loved one are all examples of things that can trigger fear and worry.
For most people, these feelings are temporary and are fleeting but for those who suffer from an anxiety disorder, these feelings linger for days, months, or even years.
Loved ones with anxiety disorders have built up fear residing in their bodies, making them more prone to feelings of stress that can worsen over time. This can snowball into things like rumination, overthinking, avoidance, and using short-term strategies that only relieve their sense of anxiety in the short term.
While it can be painful to see the ones you care about suffer, it is important to understand how anxiety manifests and where it comes from to help your loved ones better deal with it.
Understand and recognize how anxiety is displayed in the other person
There are three ways people respond to proposed threats - fight, flight or freeze - with one dominant response in every person. These responses are not conscious, rather automatic, evolutionary, responses that protect us from danger.
Most people have one dominant response that is their default setting.
Some people are more prone to burying their heads in the sand when things get tough (freeze). Others will run quickly in the other direction (flight) while some people will get defensive or become overly stubborn (fight).
People with anxiety tend to have these reactions (or dominant reactions) to non-threatening situations because there is a constant sense of perceived threat. Their bodies are constantly in a state of high alert.
Understanding your loved one’s dominant response will help you understand when they are reacting to a situation out of fear, and be better suited to help them, rather than to react to them yourself.
Compassion is a large part of beginning to try to help someone with anxiety and compassion comes largely from understanding the experience of the other person.
By being in tune with how the other person is feeling you can better suit yourself with tools that can help them.
Provide support through their preferences - and understand what’s not helpful
Everyone responds to help differently - what may work for one person doesn’t always work with someone else and sometimes we may think we’re helping when we are causing more harm than good.
Helping someone with anxiety begins by understanding them and reaching out to ask how you can help. This way you can come up with ideas that facilitate healing but you are also able to do it in a way that is more likely to do good.
On the flip side, understanding what isn’t helpful can protect our loved ones from situations that can hinder their healing journey.
Unhelpful strategies look like pulling a friend away from a social situation that they don’t want to be in or adjusting your behaviour around them to “protect” them from feelings of anxiety.
This can send a signal to your friend that they can’t cope and are too fragile to navigate the situation on their own. Oftentimes we can be supportive but still allow our loved ones the space to navigate their journey and find their strength.
Notice when anxiety-driven patterns are taking the wheel
There are some things that people can’t help but do once their anxiety sets in. This might be checking every lock in the house or manifesting as being irritated with seemingly trivial things or picking fights for no reason. Noticing these patterns can better put you in a position to help them deal with their anxiety. It may not always be received well, but it will help them become more aware of their patterns.
Depending on your relationship it may be helpful to point these habits out in a way that is still supportive. If your loved one still has trouble managing compulsions, encouraging them to talk to a mental health professional can help them get a better gauge of how to deal with their anxiety.
Help Change Their Thinking
Oftentimes, people who suffer from an anxiety disorder are always thinking about the worst-case scenarios. In any situation they may:
Overestimate the likelihood of negative future events
Underestimate how much power they have in altering or changing a situation
Are blind to available safety options
Hyper focused on only the negative
Overgeneralize: often using words like “always” and “never”
Use all-or-nothing thinking: “If I get a bad review, then I’ll lose my job”
Use catastrophic thinking: always assuming that the worst will happen.
To counteract their bias, try asking thought-provoking questions to help open their perspective:
What’s the worst that can happen?
What’s the best that can happen?
What’s the most realistic or likely?
If your loved one is anxious because they haven’t heard back from a job interview, for example, this can help them consider the worst and best-case scenarios and make them more open to what is most likely to happen.
Don’t push too hard - or take over
Offering support is a great way to help someone manage their anxiety but boundaries are important in ensuring that you are not hindering their journey toward greater well-being.
If your loved one is afraid of dogs for example and you spring on them when you’re taking them to a dog park, this may cause overbearing stress.
Always be open in your communication and intentions so that you are not forcing your loved ones into situations they are uncomfortable with.
People with anxiety must learn that they are strong enough to cope with their anxiety without avoiding it or relying on other people too much.
Avoid taking over situations to help. A good rule of thumb is to help someone help themselves but avoid doing anything that they can and need to do for themselves. This will help the individual face situations that they otherwise would avoid, and help them realize that there is strength in facing their fears and they have the strength inside of them to face them.
Education, communication and compassion are your strongest weapons when dealing with a loved one facing anxiety. This is a journey that sometimes can feel frustrating, but reminding yourself that you and your loved one are doing your best. Providing understanding and educating yourself is half the battle in helping your loved ones feel supported on their journey.