Is quarantine taking a toll on your relationship? For some, relationships are stronger than ever. For others, however, quarantine has highlighted every crack and issue possible. Some couples are trying to communicate and noticing that each time they attempt to address something, emotions take over and nothing gets resolved. Other couples are choosing the passive route. Here are some tips to help you and your partner resolve what’s troubling you, both.
Avoid Assumptions
Oh, goodness. Assumptions. How they get everyone into such pickles. Regardless of how long you have been with your partner and regardless of how well you think that you know them, check out your assumption. In other words, before saying something like, “You ____ because ____” or, “You don’t ____ because ____,” take a pause.
Rephrase your assumption to a question. For example, “I’m curious about _____, would you mind explaining it to me?” Questions rather than accusations will diffuse any defensive response. This method will also be more conducive to having a conversation and perhaps even learning or resolving something.
Speak Up
If something is bothering you, ignoring it will likely only frustrate you further. If you need to communicate, find a time to talk that suits you both. Explain to your partner that you have some things you want to address and be mindful of language. Try to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Also, request that you don’t get interrupted. This allows for better listening on your partner’s end and deescalates the potential for an argument.
Listen
If you have needs and you express them, it’s important to feel heard. The same is true for your partner. If your partner is trying to tell you something, pay attention and listen. Don’t interrupt. If you’re confused or unsure about something that was said, let them know. This allows you to make sure that you understood their message. If you didn’t, this is a great time for clarification and to get on the same page.
Validate Feelings
Holy mothership. Validation. This is difficult for some people, especially when they disagree with their partner’s point of view. That’s ok. You don’t have to agree with your partner’s perspective or opinion, however, you do have to validate their feelings. Feelings are personal. They are to be dictated by one person only, ourselves. What am I talking about? Here’s an example: If your partner says that they felt upset when you undermined them at that dinner party, the listener can say, “I hear that you were upset”. Then, if they disagree about the undermining aspect, they can express how they saw the situation AND acknowledge the other person’s feelings. Rather than, “That’s stupid that you were upset because I didn’t do that”. A little bit of validation goes a long way.
Take Accountability
If you fucked up, own it. Apologize. It’s OK. You’re a human, so is your partner. If neither of you are ever wrong but there are always issues, then ehmmm that seems a bit strange, doesn’t it? Same goes for if one person is always saying sorry. No one makes no mistakes.
Here is some food for thought. If you and your partner are having trouble doing this alone, get in touch with a professional! It’s no longer weird to go to couples counselling. In fact, it’s kind of a kick ass move. Communication is key in so many relationships-especially during workdays at home! Click here for more info!
If you are in an abusive relationship and you need help, please be in touch for resources, or get in touch with one of Sana’s certified Vancouver relationship counsellors. You are not alone, ever.