What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the bully or abusers misleads the target to make them question their judgment and reality. Gaslighters will try to manipulate, lie, and undermine your perception of reality, in order to break down your confidence and trust in self.
Gaslighting involves an imbalance of power between the abused and the abuser. It is a way to make the abused feel like they are acting unstable, and irrational, when really, it’s the manipulator who is lying and being deceitful. A gaslighter wants you to feel as if you are to blame for the situation, or that you are being too sensitive.
This type of abuse can occur in romantic relationships, friendships and between family members.
6 Ways to tell that someone is gaslighting you
Gaslighting is meant to be confusing, that’s why it is also hard to identify. Here are some common signs to watch out for.
They lie
People who gaslight others are often pathological liars. They also display narcissistic and sociopathic behaviors and traits. It is common that they will lie straight to your face and if you call them out, they don't back down from their lie. Instead they turn the tables and may say something like “You’re crazy”, “That never happened”, or “You’re making that up”. They will also try to twist a story to minimize their bad behavior.
2. They use language against you
Often an abuser will say things like you are “overly emotional”, “crazy” or “irrational”. The term “you’re being crazy” or “you’re exaggerating” may be said when you point out something that happened or when you're sharing your feelings. They will also use this language to paint you in a negative light to other people, spreading rumors and gossip about you behind your back.
3. Feel powerless after an interaction
Because gaslighters are so good at disregarding your feelings and emotions and trying to break you down, if you walk away from a conversation feeling more confused and questioning your reality, it may be a red flag. When someone is trying to gaslight you they will lie about the situation saying things like “that never happened” and “you’re making things up”.
4. Isolation
Many gaslighters will ensure to isolate victims from their friends, family and support systems. They will suggest that the people in your life are unsuitable in several ways and try to show you that they are your best source of support or “safety”.
5. Tone policing
Someone who is gaslighting you doesn’t like to be challenged. When questioning or challenging what they are saying they may flip the script and try to police your tone of voice. This is another tactic to make you feel like you are the one to blame.
6. Words don’t match actions
Typically gaslighters will try to throw you off balance and alternate between verbal abuse and praise in the same conversation saying things like “you know I love you but that never happened.” Or trying to smooth things over with kind words that don’t match their behavior.
Why do people gaslight others?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse where the abuser's end goal is to gain control and convince the target to agree with them. Their goal is always to break down, weaken resistance, break spirits and cause chaos and confusion in the minds of the abused.
This could be a result of a narcissistic or borderline personality type, but it can also however be a survival tactic learned in childhood.
If a child experienced gaslighting by their parents they may have adopted it as a normal behavior.
Children of parents who would gaslight them lived between extremes. Extreme praise or extreme punishment, ultimately learning that life operates in absolutes and not in shades of gray.
Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships
Gaslighting can happen in any relationship, but it’s most commonly seen in romantic ones. Often gaslighting and domestic abuse go hand in hand.
The main goal is to make you question your reality, and break your sense of self down so that you are under complete control of the other person.
Often gaslighting will leave individuals feeling hopeless, second guessing themselves, feeling inadequate and struggling to make decisions. Sometimes, the victim of gaslighting starts to feel ashamed of themselves, as they believe that they are the source of all things bad. The goal of the abuser is always to break the spirit of the other person so that they have control over the situation.
If you are experiencing gaslighting in a relationship there are steps you can take to minimize its impact on your self-esteem and create distance between you and the abuser.
You may be experiencing gaslighting if …
Constantly second guessing your questioning your decisions
Having trouble making simple decisions
Constantly defending your partner and making excuses for them to family and friends
Trying to convince yourself that their behavior isn’t that bad
Blaming yourself for their behavior
Walking on eggshells around them
Doubting your own memory or recollection of events
Staying silent to avoid a fight or an argument
Feeling on edge or threatened all the time
Constantly apologizing for your actions
Thinking you can’t do anything right and feeling disappointed in yourself
Final Thoughts
Gaslighting is a toxic form of abuse that can leave the victim feeling inadequate, confused, and overwhelmed.
If you suspect you are experiencing gaslighting, speaking with a mental health professional can help you gain clarity about the situation, gain perspective, and develop strategies that can help you rebuild your self esteem and set healthy boundaries.
If you’re looking for a relationship therapist in Vancouver, Sana Counselling is here for you and we’re happy to help!