For the most part, people are surrounded by loved ones that they care about and want to express that love is a normal part of being human. For instance, spending time with your friends, showing up at their events, supporting them during turbulent times, and getting them gifts to show your support, are all ways you can show how much you care for them.
For some, however, the need to please others comes before their own wants, needs, and feelings. It can feel quite exhausting to be in service to others at great personal cost. It can deeply affect your mood or increase anxiety if you don’t receive that external validation. If you have a hard time saying no to others, setting and enforcing boundaries, or feeling unsettled about your own identity, this article may be for you.
What is a Fawn Trauma Response?
We’ve all heard of the fight, flight, or freeze response in the face of trauma, but did you know that being a people pleaser can also be a trauma response?
Fawning happens when an individual goes out of their way to make others feel comfortable at the expense of their own needs, in hopes of avoiding conflict.
This is a coping mechanism of individuals who grew up in less than ideal environments where they used pleasing people as a way of coping or surviving in that environment. The individual usually rushes to please the perpetrator to avoid conflict and in hopes of diffusing a situation. This results in an individual who is overly agreeable and will behave in ways that they know will get them approval all while setting aside their personal feelings.
These reactions often get carried into adulthood and become behaviours that an individual may do with everyone in their lives. It can stem from a place where you don’t feel good enough about yourself or you feel like you need to make others feel more comfortable around you by appeasing their desires.
What Does a Fawning Look Like?
People with the fawn response tend to have a set of people pleasing behaviours that define how they interact with other people and themselves.
Always saying “YES” even when it’s inconvenient for you
Having a difficult time standing up for yourself
Suppressing your own needs just to make everyone around you happy
Feeling responsible for the reaction of other people
Feeling as though you don’t have your own identity
Constantly looking toward others to see how you are supposed to feel in a relationship or situation
Constant feelings of guilt
Women as People Pleasers
Although fawn trauma affects both genders, women are socialized to be caretakers and givers. Ultimately this leads to women putting others' needs ahead of their own and suppressing their own voice. Oftentimes it is seen as “unladylike” or “difficult” for women to voice their opinions, so in an attempt to not make waves, women’s needs often take a back seat.
This puts tremendous pressure on women to work tirelessly, be self-sacrificing, and not ask for help, which, as you can imagine, can lead to incredible amounts of stress and dissatisfaction in their own lives.
Remember that life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. Taking the pressure off of life being a popularity contest and focusing more on the things you genuinely care about, will help give your life substance and help you prioritize your to-do list. As much as the urge to want to help everyone is there, ask yourself why you want to help. Is it because you genuinely want to help or is it because you feel bad saying no?
Learning to only take on what you genuinely can and what to do are some ways you can begin to prioritize your own needs and stop being available for things that don’t fuel your soul.
Immigrant Responsibility and Guilt
Many first-generation children of immigrant parents experience their own emotions attached to being the children of parents who did not have the same opportunities.
Oftentimes, children of immigrants take on a lot of responsibility at a young age. This is because many immigrant children grow up acutely aware of the enormous sacrifices that their parents have made and realize that their parents need help navigating this new, foreign environment.
Whether that is help translating, paying bills, or helping with household chores, many immigrant children feel a strong sense of responsibility to assist their parents and alleviate any stress that they can to make it easier for their parents to navigate uncharted territories.
Although this feeling does not stem from abuse but rather a sense of duty, it does create a codependent dynamic, both between the parents and their children, that is hard to get away from in the child’s later years. This is especially true once their parents age and the child wants to move out and build their own life and identity. Taking on these added responsibilities as a child can turn into codependence, and anxiety, and foster feelings of guilt when they attempt to leave the nest.
It may be hard for many immigrant children to reconcile these feelings due to ongoing stigma surrounding mental health. However, making yourself a priority is necessary to become an individual person. You can still seek the same support to unlearn behaviours that are no longer serving you and prioritize yourself. This can put you on a path of self-discovery and independence. It doesn’t mean you cut your parents off. You can still be there to help out. It just means you are taking care of them without compromising your needs. Sensorimotor therapy can help individuals heal and overcome childhood patterns and trauma.
Ways to Can Overcome Fawn Trauma
Determine your boundaries and set them: Setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable for those who haven’t done it, but they are necessary in beginning to take up space in your own life. Setting boundaries allows you to clearly define your own values and express them to those around you. This helps in creating relationships rooted in respect and authenticity. Setting boundaries includes determining your emotional needs from each relationship in your life.
Stop apologizing: A natural tendency for fawning is to over-explain and apologize when they say no. It is perfectly okay to politely decline without a justification or explanation. You have to realize that it is not your job to make everyone around you feel comfortable. Once you understand that you will not like everyone, the same way not everyone will vibe with you if okay. It is a normal and necessary part of being human.
Stop taking on more than you can handle: A common reaction of anyone with a fawn response is to take on more than they can handle. This is a combined result of not being able to say no, and feeling guilty when they do. Instead of offering to take on that extra project at work, or always going above and beyond at family gatherings, try to ask for help or delegate where you can.
Seek help: Seeing a counsellor is the quickest way to learn about behavioural patterns that may be hard for you to pinpoint on your own. A therapist can help you unpack some of that childhood trauma and angst. It is the fastest way to unlearn coping mechanisms that no longer serve you.
Final Thoughts
When our responses put a strain on our mental health, relationships, or well-being, it may be time to learn new coping methods. We can help you identify patterns of trauma responses that can be getting in the way of you taking space in your own life.
You deserve to live a life you are passionate about. Get in touch with one of our counsellors today, and let us walk you through your healing journey.